By Karen Dodd

It sometimes seems that family relationships are on an increasingly negative path. I often find myself telling clients with family problems to take one week and try to treat each other as roommates or near strangers. That means being polite, courteous, and sensitive to the other person’s views. It sounds absurd to have to tell people who say they have loving relationships not to call each other names, but it happens all the time. With that in mind, I would like to offer a few concepts that may enhance your family’s perspective.

1. Everyone should feel like a winner.

Most Americans have a very competitive lifestyle. “I can only win if someone else loses.” The problem is that if there is a loser in a relationship, then nobody wins. Remember, a family needs to function as a team.

2. Everyone in the family is responsible for the welfare of the family.

Daily chores and who does them when can be a hot spot for conflict. Sitting down as a group and talking about the tasks that need to be accomplished can lead to regular family meetings. Adding snacks to the meeting and letting each person present an idea can make this a time of building good will. Of course, the parents have the deciding vote, but kids can come up with important contributions as well. We always try a little harder when we feel like part of the solution. Using a group meeting to decide on the next vacation, a change in curfew, or a new car establishes the idea of the family as a unit.

3. Think of your family as a business.

In a successful partnership each person must sacrifice and compromise for the good of the team. When someone starts a business, a mission statement is developed, as well as a plan that defines the company goals and how to accomplish them. Co-owners and partners create this plan together. In a successful business the employees feel like part of the company because their ideas count. When employees are treated well, when they are praised and rewarded for the work they do, they think of the company as a team and will work that much harder.

In a marriage both partners should be involved in financial issues. It doesn’t matter if only one person is writing the checks, both individuals need to know what money is coming in and going out. There should be agreement about savings accounts, investments, major purchases, and so on. Too often, if one partner has taken on financial duties, the other fills the role of spender, leading to anger and resentment. In a successful partnership each person must sacrifice and compromise for the good of the team.

Many husbands and wives tell me that they enjoy our weekly sessions because it is the only time they have to talk. They are usually working full-time jobs, and their days off just don’t coincide. When mom and dad finally get a rare afternoon together, they are busy with chores, shopping, or attending the children’s activities. I tell them that if they can schedule one hour a week for counseling, they can schedule one hour a week for dinner or a walk. The secret is in planning ahead, as in all successful businesses. How well would a company run if employees went through an entire work week with no schedules or assigned tasks? Whether parent, partner, or child, and whether due to work requirements, school activities, or other conflicts, a family suffers when the members don’t spend quality time together.

4. Appreciation goes a long way.

When we feel unappreciated, we tend to not work as hard and think that what we do is never going to be good enough. Just as employees work for a salary, children and partners in a family work for a reward. Whether this is in the form of an allowance, extra benefits, or praise doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the person feels good about fulfilling the responsibility. When we feel unappreciated, we tend to not work as hard and think that what we do is never going to be good enough.

Let’s say that your son has been given the task of vacuuming the living room rug. If, after the rug has been vacuumed, he is merely told how it should have been done better, I guarantee the task will be avoided in the future, or at least done poorly. Remember, everyone wants to feel like a winner. Maybe it wasn’t the cleanest rug in the world, but if he sincerely tried, that’s good enough. Remember, the results will improve with time. Praise your son for what he did well, and thank him for his efforts. I truly believe that courtesy begins to snowball. When people hear “please” or “thank you” often enough, they begin to reciprocate.

I truly believe that courtesy begins to snowball. When people hear “please” or “thank you” often enough, they begin to reciprocate.

A new year is ahead of us. What a great time to draw a line through the past and start fresh. Let’s kick off 2005 by showing our appreciation, setting aside time for loved ones, and working together to make everyone feel like winners.

Karen Dodd is a licensed clinical social worker for Counseling and Family Services in Central Illinois.